If I ran a school for coders, I would not…

Today’s school’s are producing horrible coders! Have you tried to hire a coder who is about to graduate or has graduated recently? Let me tell you… IT’S BAD!

You know why? Because coding is not learned in schools! REAL coding is learned on the job.

So I thought to myself, if I created the prestigious University of Serna School of L33T Coders, which I might, what would I not do?

If I ran a school for coders, I would not:

Spend Hours On Writing Fake Code

What’s the point? It’s wasted time!

Think I’m wrong? What is the first thing students or grads need when they start looking for work? Let me give you a hint, it’s called:

REAL WORLD EXPERIENCE

That’s right, having written code that sets the property of a ball to red does not qualify as real world experience.

PROPOSED CLASS “BOOTCAMP BASIC TRAINING 101″: I would throw all of them in the deep end, sink or swim! You either solve the problem or you don’t. You got 60 seconds to solve this or you will FAIL.

What’s that? Don’t know what a function is? Don’t know how to set a property in an object? FAIL! You learn theory on your own time! My time is too important.

You heard of the seven P’s? Prior Practice and Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance! Come to class prepared to get your REAL WORLD experience. Solve real problems and just like the real world, if you can’t solve the problem, guess what? YOU FAIL! Someone else steps in and swoops up your A+ and your PAYCHECK. That’s life!

Use Dreamweaver Or Other Crap Warez

Ok college student pay attention to this mock interview that happens more often than you can believe:

Business: What development software have you used?

Candidate: Um… Dreamweaver.

Business: We don’t use that here, are you comfortable with notepad or a unix prompt?

Candidate: Ugh… Well, Dreamweaver is what we used in all my class projects.

FAIL!

REQUIRED CLASS “CODING LIKE McGYVER 202″: Even if you plugged in an old analog rotary phone (remember those?) into the wall and dialed in the code to solve the problem, I would not be impressed! It’s what I would expect from you.

In the McGyver class of coding, you will understand the meaning of “BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!!” No excuses on not having the right software, equipment or internet connection. You must get it done and use the tools that you have with in reaching distance.

What? All you have is a paperclip, battery and Pay Phone? Sounds like a personal problem. That jQuery bug ain’t fixing itself, FIGURE IT OUT!

Build A Class Project

WTF for? Usually it’s a crappy webpage showing pictures of yourself in awkward situations that frankly are not helping you get a job. Do you have any idea how many similar crappy websites exists? Hmmm… let me think for a bit… since the mid-90′s… that would make it about… A WHOLE FUCKING SHIT LOAD!

REQUIRED CLASS “BEST OR FAIL 303″: ATTENTION – ONLY ONE PERSON GRADUATES FROM THIS CLASS!!! Bottom line is you are either the best or you are not. You must prove to be the goto person in the class to graduate.

What happens if you don’t pass? Try again next semester!

Can you still get a job if you didn’t pass? Sure, some coders are lucky enough to find companies who will tolerate mediocrity and can milk years of paychecks.

But you won’t graduate from this class being mediocre. As a graduate of this class you must be a l33t coder and problem solver.

You know that old saying… Second place is just the first place loser!

In Closing…

Schools and degrees mean absolutely nothing if a coder can’t solve for your problem. I would go as far to say, if a coder cannot hit the ground running and make an instant impact in your business, keep looking. L33T coders are out there… If you can’t find one, you are probably looking in the wrong places or wrong time of day (L33T coders are typically nocturnal).

What are your experiences with finding and hiring coders?